How can I move so much and feel so stuck?
Work so hard and afford so little?
Do so much and change nothing?
Talk so much and make no connections?
Laugh so hard and feel so empty?
Try so hard and achieve nothing?
Painfully heading for a future I’m so uncertain about.
Another month is here and I’m no closer to figuring out what I want.
When people ask me what I want the first word that pops in my head is “freedom”. But depending on who is asking, I always end up saying something easier to explain like “to be happy” or “to be successful”. For as long as I can remember I’ve always just wanted to be free even though I’ve never given myself a chance to explore this feeling.
From childhood till now I’ve been constantly engaged…primary school to masters and straight to work. As a student I worked every summer holiday and never traveled as much as I should have. As an adult I was always in some kind of committed relationship – stated or unstated (usually stated).
I constantly feel so weighed down by expectations. The feeling that you’re not quite doing enough. Is this where I want to be at this stage in my career? Do I want to be with this person? And the main question comes – am I truly happy? This is usually when the depression hits.
If this feeling is so strong in me then why don’t I just do it? Take a year out, take time off everything and everyone and see what I want. Maybe I will eventually. But as of today, I don’t have the strength it takes to make the decision.
Perhaps it’s not what I really want?
What do I really want?
I had been told all about the joys of motherhood; how magically the pain of childbirth disappears the moment you hold your little one, the excitement of each process from watching the first steps to the sprout of the first tooth, and how the toothless smiles makes every effort worth it (the list goes on!). And yes each of this I have felt and I still feel as I watch my little one blossom. But no one told me…
No one told me on my return to work I will struggle (though mostly internal struggles) to find a balance between being a mum and still chasing a career. No one told me I would lose my identity because people would only identify me as a mum with an expectation my existence will solely revolve around my child. Why didn’t anyone tell me about the hormone driven night sweats, hair loss and the consistent feeling of being drained that I fear to tag depression?
No one told me the strain this would put on my marriage or that a full night sleep is over till further notice. No one told me I’d hate my own reflection because even 10 months after, my body is nothing like I’ve ever known it (4th Trimester!).
Because no one told me, I’ll tell you.