August Anxiety

How can I move so much and feel so stuck?

Work so hard and afford so little?

Do so much and change nothing?

Talk so much and make no connections?

Laugh so hard and feel so empty?

Try so hard and achieve nothing?

Painfully heading for a future I’m so uncertain about.

Another month is here and I’m no closer to figuring out what I want.

Smile

Living in the shadow.
Can you imagine what kind of life it is to live?
In the shadows people see you as happy and free.
Because that’s what you want them to see.
Living two lives, happy, but not free.
You live in the shadows for fear of someone hurting your family or the person you love.
The world is changing and they say it’s time to be free.
But you live with the fear of just being me.
Living in the shadow feels like the safe place to be.
No harm for them, no harm for me.
But life is short, and it’s time to be free.
Love who you love, because life isn’t guaranteed.
Smile!

– Gloria Carter

What Do I Really Want?

When people ask me what I want the first word that pops in my head is “freedom”. But depending on who is asking, I always end up saying something easier to explain like “to be happy” or “to be successful”. For as  long as I can remember I’ve always just wanted to be free even though I’ve never given myself a chance to explore this feeling.

From childhood till now I’ve been constantly engaged…primary school to masters and straight to work. As a student I worked every summer holiday and never traveled as much as I should have. As an adult I was always in some kind of committed relationship – stated or unstated (usually stated).

I constantly feel so weighed down by expectations. The feeling that you’re not quite doing enough. Is this where I want to be at this stage in my career? Do I want to be with this person? And the main question comes – am I truly happy? This is usually when the depression hits.

If this feeling is so strong in me then why don’t I just do it? Take a year out, take time off everything and everyone and see what I want. Maybe I will eventually. But as of today, I don’t have the strength it takes to make the decision.

Perhaps it’s not what I really want?

What do I really want?