Inception

Talking to my mum whilst on a business trip, in the usual “how is it going” banter, I mentioned my global head (female) was in town as well to which she instinctively responded “you too will be a director soon in Jesus’ name”. I casually mentioned I have no interest in the corporate ladder I want the money not the responsibility. Alas confrontation follows “I thought you wanted to be a career woman?”, “how old are you that you already want to stop chasing your career?”. My first reaction: “I never said I want to be a career woman” but as she insisted on banging on I quickly deflected by mentioning this director had no kids and has no intention to have any which was naturally followed by a series of “God forbid”, “what sort of life is that” which thankfully ended the conversation about my lack of appetite for the corporate ladder (though only started a suggestion that I have more kids …sigh)

I genuinely don’t believe there’s a problem with choosing not to have kids, neither do I believe there’s a trade off between kids and career (though certain phases may call for prioritising or compromising) in fact I am ashamed of myself for using this as a deflection as it went against my core beliefs on the topic but it got me thinking…

  1. I never mentioned a desire to be a career person it just happened to be what my family always said would suit me because to them I had no business acumen and seemed better fit for the corporate world and going through life I have found myself believing what others thought of my abilities.
  2. What paths have we chosen out of own interested or discovered skills and which have been thrust to us in inceptions we have carried on following even though it defiled our logic? Marriage? Having kids? Which career path is shameful and which is noble? What things do we want so badly in our lives but inceptions of old make us feel guilty to even think about? And then there’s the question where do you draw the line? What desires are unrealistic youthful exuberance with selfish, untamed longings and who really decides this boundaries? Society? Religion? Self?

Ah well! Still on a journey to figure life out…

No One Told Me…

I had been told all about the joys of motherhood; how magically the pain of childbirth disappears the moment you hold your little one, the excitement of each process from watching the first steps to the sprout of the first tooth, and how the toothless smiles makes every effort worth it (the list goes on!). And yes each of this I have felt and I still feel as I watch my little one blossom. But no one told me…

No one told me on my return to work I will struggle (though mostly internal struggles) to find a balance between being a mum and still chasing a career. No one told me I would lose my identity because people would only identify me as a mum with an expectation my existence will solely revolve around my child. Why didn’t anyone tell me about the hormone driven night sweats, hair loss and the consistent feeling of being drained that I fear to tag depression?

No one told me the strain this would put on my marriage or that a full night sleep is over till further notice. No one told me I’d hate my own reflection because even 10 months after, my body is nothing like I’ve ever known it (4th Trimester!).

Because no one told me, I’ll tell you.