Smile

Living in the shadow.
Can you imagine what kind of life it is to live?
In the shadows people see you as happy and free.
Because that’s what you want them to see.
Living two lives, happy, but not free.
You live in the shadows for fear of someone hurting your family or the person you love.
The world is changing and they say it’s time to be free.
But you live with the fear of just being me.
Living in the shadow feels like the safe place to be.
No harm for them, no harm for me.
But life is short, and it’s time to be free.
Love who you love, because life isn’t guaranteed.
Smile!

– Gloria Carter

Jealousy

jealous
/ˈdʒɛləs/
adjective
  1. feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.
  2. feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one’s partner is attracted to or involved with someone else.
  3. fiercely protective of one’s rights or possessions.

Based on my experiences, I’ve noticed that the feeling of jealous changes at different stages of a relationship.

In the early stages most of the feelings falls into the second definition. It can be a very shallow emotion – “how can you be attracted to or interested in someone else when you have me!?” It also usually boils down to the physical, the constant feeling that you think your partner wants to have sex with other people. There is really nothing that can be done about this feeling, sometimes it’s a personality thing, sometimes it’s baggage from past relationships, sometimes its actually seeing your partner trying to or successfully having sex with other people.

Further into relationships the feeling of jealousy becomes the one in the third definition. You see your partner as something that is yours and you don’t want anyone trying to play with your shit (it’s irrelevant if you want to play with your shit or not). This type of jealousy is a little more quiet than the previous one, its less confrontational but comes with more spite.

Now when you’ve been together so long and you get married the game completely changes. It’s more similar to the first definition and resentment is the key word here. You start getting jealous of time and achievements. As a woman you start to feel jealous of the extra freedom your husband has over you. You start to blame your partner when you feel held back in your life because you put your family/home first. I think Cece pretty much had this covered in the previous post.

There is one more definition I’d like to add:

4. constantly trying to have one over your partner and look like the good guy.

As childish and pointless as it sounds, this type of jealousy is so real and can happen at any stage of a relationship. You find yourself asking questions you genuinely do not care about, just to show that “hey, I notice you fucking up”. I honestly don’t know why we bother, its tedious and exhausting but for some reason it establishes some balance – unhealthy as it might be.

There’s no great point to this post.

To Love Again?

Starting a new job can be tough.

Like a new relationship, you come into it wondering if you still carry baggages from the old job.

Especially if the former job ended badly and your former superiors let you know they weren’t pleased with you exiting, your work input or results.

You start to wonder, was I committed enough?

Did I show her that I loved her enough?

Did I make her feel wanted?

Did I make her feel like she deserved me or I was settling?

Did I care about her feelings enough?

Was I there for her and present while at it?

If the job ended via a nasty breakup  and you were at the other end of the stick – then it’s a different set of questions.

Did I miss the signs?

Did I not see that she was cold to me?

Her friends didn’t seem to smile at me any longer.

I should have left her long ago, I was scared what she might become of her.

I felt her world revolved around me, I wanted to be there for her.

Her hero and martyr.

But alas I see that it was all in my mind,

She seems to be doing alright now. The replacement boyfriend seems to love her so much. I just hope it lasts and they’re happy.

It now leads to us forming new biases on how we’ll be on our next job.

Oh I’ll put myself first. I need to be selfish about my career.

I’m not even sure I believe in love again.

I cannot come and kee myself jore, the work will never finish.

These prejudices and mind sets will definitely have effects on the new job.

But what else can a new boyfriend do afterall?

No One Told Me…

I had been told all about the joys of motherhood; how magically the pain of childbirth disappears the moment you hold your little one, the excitement of each process from watching the first steps to the sprout of the first tooth, and how the toothless smiles makes every effort worth it (the list goes on!). And yes each of this I have felt and I still feel as I watch my little one blossom. But no one told me…

No one told me on my return to work I will struggle (though mostly internal struggles) to find a balance between being a mum and still chasing a career. No one told me I would lose my identity because people would only identify me as a mum with an expectation my existence will solely revolve around my child. Why didn’t anyone tell me about the hormone driven night sweats, hair loss and the consistent feeling of being drained that I fear to tag depression?

No one told me the strain this would put on my marriage or that a full night sleep is over till further notice. No one told me I’d hate my own reflection because even 10 months after, my body is nothing like I’ve ever known it (4th Trimester!).

Because no one told me, I’ll tell you.

Relationship Status: Unclear

I was married for a couple of years but it didn’t work out. Marriage did not work for me. So after about a year of trying to make it work, things finally came to an end.

Now the question I get asked the most is “So are you single now?”. Some people ask out of genuine curiosity, others ask for personal interest (boys will be boys).

I’m still not sure how to answer this question. My entire adult life I’ve only had to deal with “single” or “in a relationship”. When I got married it wasn’t that difficult to adjust to the status of “married” because in essence it’s still “in a relationship”. But now having to consider things like “separated” or “divorced” is a whole new thing.

Socially, I think there should only be two relationship statuses (this word sounds weird). You’re either single or in a relationship. I say that, but I’m not sure I’m quite ready to say it out loud yet.

So yeah, relationship status for now – unclear.

(Yes, I notice my contradictions. Never claimed to have it all figured out. *shrug*)

King Women, Good Men

We’ve all been watching the King Women series – they’re amazing.

After watching all the interviews I noticed most of these women have something in common, great partners. They all talked about how supportive their partners are and how it played a huge part in their success.

This really got me thinking…

Is it the same qualities that contributed to the women’s success that guided them to picking the right men? The right men for them.

Did they have such strong personalities and intelligence that it earned them the respect of their men?

Are men more supportive of women who are focused and strong-willed?

Do men only see women as partners or equals when they are “financially successful”?

Is there an element of luck?

Is there a religious aspect?

Were they picked specifically for this interview to suit the Nigerian audience because they are the successful women that also have the family balance?

Or in the end are they just like most Nigerian women that hide the struggles of relationships?

Honestly, I hope its the first point.

Outgrowing Relationships

A friend once mentioned she had outgrown certain friendships. She went into a spiel of the sort of people she was keen on engaging but I had stopped listening; with no mention of names I felt hurt “this must be somewhat directed at me” I thought. I found it belittling. How could someone I held with such great esteem think I wasn’t good enough? Again she hadn’t even mentioned my name! Looking back now I see it was my own complexes making me feel little; the truth is next to her I already saw myself smaller before she said anything. This was in my late teens/early 20s.

Fast forward to my late 20s; I found myself feeling the exact way. Now it wasn’t about A friend it was about MOST! I suddenly felt the very few friends I was on similar wavelengths with were in another town. Scratch that. Other countries! Miles away! Am I suffering from the same superiority complex that gave my friend the audacity to outgrow (maybe) me? I don’t know.

I had three main issues:

  1. I was engaging in fruitless conversations.
  2. I was learning nothing from most of my friends.
  3. I felt like my friends were stuck in a loop repeating old mistakes.

I felt more and more stagnant in my growth and these words came to mind:

“You’re The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With” – Jim Rohn

This really got me thinking about making new friends, but how do I even go about that??? Can’t exactly go back to Uni and have a do-over?

So you tell me, do I need to drop my “high shoulders”? Or is it actually time for a revamp?