How can I move so much and feel so stuck?
Work so hard and afford so little?
Do so much and change nothing?
Talk so much and make no connections?
Laugh so hard and feel so empty?
Try so hard and achieve nothing?
Painfully heading for a future I’m so uncertain about.
Another month is here and I’m no closer to figuring out what I want.
When people ask me what I want the first word that pops in my head is “freedom”. But depending on who is asking, I always end up saying something easier to explain like “to be happy” or “to be successful”. For as long as I can remember I’ve always just wanted to be free even though I’ve never given myself a chance to explore this feeling.
From childhood till now I’ve been constantly engaged…primary school to masters and straight to work. As a student I worked every summer holiday and never traveled as much as I should have. As an adult I was always in some kind of committed relationship – stated or unstated (usually stated).
I constantly feel so weighed down by expectations. The feeling that you’re not quite doing enough. Is this where I want to be at this stage in my career? Do I want to be with this person? And the main question comes – am I truly happy? This is usually when the depression hits.
If this feeling is so strong in me then why don’t I just do it? Take a year out, take time off everything and everyone and see what I want. Maybe I will eventually. But as of today, I don’t have the strength it takes to make the decision.
Perhaps it’s not what I really want?
What do I really want?
In the previous post, Cece talked about people being too wrapped up in themselves to care about other people’s problems. While I mostly agree with this, I’ve found that in Nigeria people become quickly bothered if said problem is “gist”.
We have this need to insert ourselves into situations and make it about us. Asides that, I’ve noticed that people get a sense of entitlement to every area of your life once you open up the smallest window of imperfection or insecurity. They pry and probe and ask and ask, and by the end of it you find yourself in a place where you’re defending yourself or justifying all your actions; rather than talking to someone who is genuinely trying to help.
More and more I’m getting to a comfortable place where I do not feel the need to explain away all my actions, or seek the approval or acceptance of every friend and acquaintance.
I say, own up to your mistakes, apologise when you can and after you’ve done all that, make peace with situations and focus on growing.
People form opinions really quickly, and its rare to change them. The only change you can really make is on yourself by trying to be better.
“Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”
-Winston S. Churchill